Nirvana by Vinicius Moraes

[Michael Jay]

A teen drama where the whole cast isn't stupidly rich and the biggest drama stems from who's asking who to the prom? Say it ain't so!

Discuss the pilot for Nirvana here.

[Vinicius]

Just a note: I want to thank the folks at Claire's (aka Roonblah) writing clinic, specifically Claire Rooney herself, Daniel L., Trix, Colby, sandyer, Tegan G Blair and angelspike all of whom read even the earliest of this script's drafts.

Thank you so much, guys, I owe a lot to all of you. A special thanks to the guy who owns my heart (I know, cheesy, but true), Mathews B. for your continuous support in this project.

I hope whoever reads this enjoys it and, of course, all types of feedback are appreciated. ^_^

[Michael Jay]

No thanks to me, you ungrateful shit?

[Vinicius]

I wouldn't want you to think that I was kissing your ass or something, but yes, thank you, MJ.

[Rebekkah]

Nirvana 1x01

Like MJ said, it can't be true that there's a teen pilot out there without rich spoiled teenage kids!  But it's true, and I'm glad that Vinny wrote it, because I really enjoyed it. 

The beginning scene scared me a little, as I wasn't expecting the boy to hang himself like that.  When the mother found him, I was playing this sad song on my Itunes, so it actually really matched the scene. 

I like the fact that even thought their best friend hung himself, they all seem to have their own personal problems.  Sara with her depression, Marlena cheating on her boyfriend, which I thought sucked for him royally.  What now could Jacob possibly say in that note that would bring them together again?   And why would Jacob hang himself in the first place? 

You've already succeeded right there, in hooking me to wanting to read another episode.  I have been looking forward to this pilot for weeks, even though I didn't know what it was about until you posted it on the writer's clinic.  But even so, I thought it was a really nice pace from all that other teen crap, and I thought your idea was so much more original and darker, for sure.  Another one of the things that caught my attention.  I enjoy dark themes, as creepy as that sounds.

Damn, I really want to read episode two now.  I need to know what that note says, and what's going to happen with everyone.  I love the tension between Jensen and Victor.  There's obviously a lot of hate there, because Victor does say he hates him.  So I wonder if later on in the series they start to like each other or what? 

I think one of my favourite characters is probably Marlena.  Even though I don't like the fact she cheats on her boyfriend, you can tell just from the pilot that there's a lot of character to work with.   With all of them, actually.  These teenagers, who have been dealing with their own problems, now have to deal with a problem as a whole.  How will that affect all of them? 

Really great pilot, Vinny, and I hope to see more from this! 

[Vinicius]

Thank you so much for reading it, Beck, I really appreciate it.

The beginning scene scared me a little, as I wasn't expecting the boy to hang himself like that.  When the mother found him, I was playing this sad song on my Itunes, so it actually really matched the scene.

Hehe, odd coincidences happen all the time, apparently! I'm glad it scared you even though I'm sorry for scaring you... if... that makes sense...

Anyway, I'm glad the scene worked for you. ^_^ 

I like the fact that even thought their best friend hung himself, they all seem to have their own personal problems.  Sara with her depression, Marlena cheating on her boyfriend, which I thought sucked for him royally.

I pretty much made a point of it that they all had lives before this episode started. They're all individuals in their own who have problems and issues they need to sort through. I didn't want for anyone to think their lives were perfect until Jacob killed himself. Like I made a point to show, it's far from it.

You've already succeeded right there, in hooking me to wanting to read another episode.  I have been looking forward to this pilot for weeks, even though I didn't know what it was about until you posted it on the writer's clinic.  But even so, I thought it was a really nice pace from all that other teen crap, and I thought your idea was so much more original and darker, for sure.  Another one of the things that caught my attention.  I enjoy dark themes, as creepy as that sounds.

Who doesn't enjoyt dark themes? ^_^

I'm glad I've already hooked you, Beck, I really am. It's all part of my plan to rule the world I could ask for, really.

Damn, I really want to read episode two now.  I need to know what that note says, and what's going to happen with everyone.  I love the tension between Jensen and Victor.  There's obviously a lot of hate there, because Victor does say he hates him.  So I wonder if later on in the series they start to like each other or what? 

Hehehe, wait and see, is all I can say!

I think one of my favourite characters is probably Marlena.  Even though I don't like the fact she cheats on her boyfriend, you can tell just from the pilot that there's a lot of character to work with.   With all of them, actually.  These teenagers, who have been dealing with their own problems, now have to deal with a problem as a whole.  How will that affect all of them? 

That's the big question, isn't it? And let's not forget they all have a history with each other. What drove them apart in the first place? Was it something so big and serious that they can't all be friends again, even if a tragedy is bringing them closer? Why does Victor hate Jensen? Why did Sara slit her wrists? Why am I asking all these questions if I know the answer for them? To hook you even more?

Really great pilot, Vinny, and I hope to see more from this! 

And this made my day. Once again, thank you for reading, beck. ^_^


[/quote]

[terminus]

Well - when Mike told me to expect the pilot of a new and different teen soap to be posted on GVP, I didn't expect to see this sort of show being posted. But, what did I think of it?

I once wrote a major essay on my degree on teen-soaps, so spent a month or two watching every teen soap that I could lay my hands on - and every mega-soap of the eighties too - and looking at plot and character, coming up with the major character archetypes and the only four plots (or derivations thereof) that soaps ever employ. Soaps that didn't employ certain archetypes were doomed to failure - and so I'll be looking at this with some of the thoughts of that essay still running through my head.

The opening scene of the episode is certainly a more effective hook than a simple car jacking gone bad - as in The OC - or the grandfathers death in an avalanche in The Mountain. It was up there with the opening scene of Whistler with the discovery of Beck McKaye's dead body in the snow - and the great writing continues through the episode, especially the debate in the classroom which both managed to convey what I believe will be the underlying themes of the episode but also lead us to understand a great deal about the character of Victor.

I'm sure we'll be seeing more of Wallace and Emma as the season rolls onwards - they seem like bit-players in this episode, but I'm sure that there's more to them than meets the immediate eye.

I don't think there's much more I can say about this - in part because the rest of the script rushed past, reading it at a decent pace because I wanted to know where it would end up. Would there be a mystery at the end? What would happen to Victor and Sara and Marlena and Jensen - the only downer would be that the story just kinda ended with very little hint about what could happen in future episodes, I would have liked some sort of cliffhanger there, some sort of indication about where we'd be going with the show.

In short, would I want to read more of this? Yes. Would I pester you to write more of this to the same extent that I pester Vaughn to write another episode of The Wager? Yes. Would Mike be an idiot not to pick this up immediately for a debut sometime next season? Yes.

[Vinicius]

Holy crap, people are really reading this.

Well - when Mike told me to expect the pilot of a new and different teen soap to be posted on GVP, I didn't expect to see this sort of show being posted. But, what did I think of it?

I once wrote a major essay on my degree on teen-soaps, so spent a month or two watching every teen soap that I could lay my hands on - and every mega-soap of the eighties too - and looking at plot and character, coming up with the major character archetypes and the only four plots (or derivations thereof) that soaps ever employ. Soaps that didn't employ certain archetypes were doomed to failure - and so I'll be looking at this with some of the thoughts of that essay still running through my head.

The opening scene of the episode is certainly a more effective hook than a simple car jacking gone bad - as in The OC - or the grandfathers death in an avalanche in The Mountain. It was up there with the opening scene of Whistler with the discovery of Beck McKaye's dead body in the snow - and the great writing continues through the episode, especially the debate in the classroom which both managed to convey what I believe will be the underlying themes of the episode but also lead us to understand a great deal about the character of Victor.

I was lost in some of the allusions, but I'm glad the opening worked for you! And yeah, the whole point of the debate was to reveal a lot about Victor without spelling things out too openly to the readers. I figured the scene would be more effective if I only showed Victor's apathetic reaction to the whole thing than if I tried to do something else.

I don't think there's much more I can say about this - in part because the rest of the script rushed past, reading it at a decent pace because I wanted to know where it would end up. Would there be a mystery at the end? What would happen to Victor and Sara and Marlena and Jensen - the only downer would be that the story just kinda ended with very little hint about what could happen in future episodes, I would have liked some sort of cliffhanger there, some sort of indication about where we'd be going with the show.

I get what you mean, but don't forget there are plenty of questions to be answered. Also, I was purposely holding back some stuff because I didn't want to give too much away. I'm still waiting on Mike's notes in regards to what he thought of the whole thing, and although for now this is the final draft of the pilot, obviously, some scenes might be added and the final scene modified if this gets a pick-up.

In short, would I want to read more of this? Yes. Would I pester you to write more of this to the same extent that I pester Vaughn to write another episode of The Wager? Yes. Would Mike be an idiot not to pick this up immediately for a debut sometime next season? Yes.

You're my favorite person in the world right now. Thank you so much Paul, I'm really happy you digged the pilot and even happier to know you'd come back for more!
[/quote]

[Michael Jay]

I'm not the most avid reader/viewer of teenager-based material like this, so this was a different sort of read for me. There are definitely areas where things can be improved, so just to get them out the way, I'll do that first.

Immediately following the pretty visceral image of a mother walking in on her dead son, we proceed to go through 12 straight pages of character introductions. I got the impression that the train of thought was to show our cast going through the mundane rigors of high school and that's all good and well, but in elongated scenes like the ones we got here, I was just waiting to get back to the suicide plot point that opened the episode. This really hurt my interest in two scenes in particular: the gay debate and the scene with Sara and the counselor. In the former, it literally felt like a different show. I'm actually hoping Mr. Stoic ISN'T gay b/c if he is, that's about the most-on-the-nose you can get for meta-commentary. In the latter scene, this was our introduction to Sara, but introducing a character by having her pour out her life story and past suicidal tendencies in a LONG monologue, no matter how much attitude she does it with, is, again, very on-the-nose.

There's an adage in screenwriting that you always start a scene after it begins and cut it off before it ends. The classroom scene felt too long for a scene where the character we're supposed to be paying attention to doesn't say a word. The counseling scene, I think, would've played better towards the end after Sara knows her friend's dead. Then the angle of "I don't want to be here, but the school forced me to be" adds more gravity to the proceedings. As it is, that felt like an exposition dump.

Just to throw a small suggestion out, Marlena's sleeping around on her boyfriend might play a bit better if in that first scene when he covers her eyes, she (playfully) fires off a bunch of other boys' names. Let the boyfriend go "it's your boyfriend" and she asks him to be more specific. Playful in the moment and much more poignant at the end when you find out she really IS sleeping around.

The aforementioned 'on-the-nose' problem really sticks out. Characters just out and out TELL us everything. It's about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the groin and as such, the dialogue doesn't flow as well as it could.

Lastly, we're told (multiple times) that these kids haven't been friends for awhile, but there's no real context for that. By that I mean when they're all called to the principal's office to be told about Jacob, there's nothing in the way of "what is HE doing here?" glances or any sort of body language to play to that. Everything is done within the dialogue and the prose descriptions only describe the physical look (what a person's wearing, how a room looks, etc.). Sure the boys fight towards the end (and make up... ugh), but there's no real attempt to make the atmosphere unsettling and tense. I think that would help.

As for what I did like, the opening's very well done. It starts out as any other day and just slaps you in the face with the suicide.

I like that Marlena's sleeping around (but please cut Rob's line that all but says she's a slut), but she's still seeking emotional comfort from her boyfriend. She's probably the best written character because she's the only one whose actions speak MUCH louder than any dialogue she had.

The grief is palpable in the funeral and wake scenes. In general, once we got to dealing with Jacob's death, the story's a lot better. It's everything surrounding it I wasn't too enthused with.

Overall, I think it's a good read, if a little lacking in writer confidence. The prose over-describes in places, characters just tell us everything about themselves, and overall I got the impression that there wasn't a confidence points and personalities were getting across, so it feels... overcompensated. It's a pretty common problem in pilots, hence my request for a second episode. I know Vinny worked hard on this and it felt like he psyched himself out a bit, judging by the over-doing it aspect. I think a second episode could show that confidence and let the characters shine more.

[Vinicius]

Immediately following the pretty visceral image of a mother walking in on her dead son, we proceed to go through 12 straight pages of character introductions. I got the impression that the train of thought was to show our cast going through the mundane rigors of high school and that's all good and well, but in elongated scenes like the ones we got here, I was just waiting to get back to the suicide plot point that opened the episode. This really hurt my interest in two scenes in particular: the gay debate and the scene with Sara and the counselor. In the former, it literally felt like a different show. I'm actually hoping Mr. Stoic ISN'T gay b/c if he is, that's about the most-on-the-nose you can get for meta-commentary. In the latter scene, this was our introduction to Sara, but introducing a character by having her pour out her life story and past suicidal tendencies in a LONG monologue, no matter how much attitude she does it with, is, again, very on-the-nose.

Yeah, I agree with you, those two scenes could've used some more editing. Definitely something that will change if this gets picked up. Like I told Paul, some stuff would go through some rewriting. Especially the classroom debate.

There's an adage in screenwriting that you always start a scene after it begins and cut it off before it ends. The classroom scene felt too long for a scene where the character we're supposed to be paying attention to doesn't say a word. The counseling scene, I think, would've played better towards the end after Sara knows her friend's dead. Then the angle of "I don't want to be here, but the school forced me to be" adds more gravity to the proceedings. As it is, that felt like an exposition dump.

I'm thinking I'll eventually leave the 'I started to cut myself at age 14' line to the scene after the wake, when Sara talks to her psychologist outside school.

The aforementioned 'on-the-nose' problem really sticks out. Characters just out and out TELL us everything. It's about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the groin and as such, the dialogue doesn't flow as well as it could.

Again, I agree, it needs some more work.

Lastly, we're told (multiple times) that these kids haven't been friends for awhile, but there's no real context for that. By that I mean when they're all called to the principal's office to be told about Jacob, there's nothing in the way of "what is HE doing here?" glances or any sort of body language to play to that. Everything is done within the dialogue and the prose descriptions only describe the physical look (what a person's wearing, how a room looks, etc.). Sure the boys fight towards the end (and make up... ugh), but there's no real attempt to make the atmosphere unsettling and tense. I think that would help.

I get what you mean. Once again, I agree.

As for what I did like, the opening's very well done. It starts out as any other day and just slaps you in the face with the suicide.

I'm happy to hear it worked for you. ^_^

I like that Marlena's sleeping around (but please cut Rob's line that all but says she's a slut), but she's still seeking emotional comfort from her boyfriend. She's probably the best written character because she's the only one whose actions speak MUCH louder than any dialogue she had.

I get where you're coming from and once again, that's something I'll rectify in the future.

The grief is palpable in the funeral and wake scenes. In general, once we got to dealing with Jacob's death, the story's a lot better. It's everything surrounding it I wasn't too enthused with.

Fair enough.

Overall, I think it's a good read, if a little lacking in writer confidence. The prose over-describes in places, characters just tell us everything about themselves, and overall I got the impression that there wasn't a confidence points and personalities were getting across, so it feels... overcompensated. It's a pretty common problem in pilots, hence my request for a second episode. I know Vinny worked hard on this and it felt like he psyched himself out a bit, judging by the over-doing it aspect. I think a second episode could show that confidence and let the characters shine more.

Ask and (hopefully) you shall receive. With that I mean I'll once again give my best on episode two and I'll take everything you said in consideration, obviously. Thank you for taking the time to review and for putting my pilot up here, Mike. ^_^